Body Reclamation

Staying numb to the present was a constant coping mechanism of mine for decades. There’s many ways to do that, but my most consistent flavor was disassociation into my mental landscape – my “faraway place” – where I was constantly analyzing my choices, trying to stave off future catastrophes and generally reviewing everything in my life with a critical, judgmental eye.

Often, I’d get rewarded monetarily and with praise for such absence of presence. Bosses loved that I reworked and perfected my projects, and praised the intentionality with which I conducted myself. Meanwhile I was having panic attacks and would clumsily drop things, run into doorframes and take 5 trips to do a single task because I was never truly present for any of it. Physical life, my body, my heartbeat, my breath, was all so far away.

The distance I placed between myself and what was happening within and around me at any given moment was protection from acute grief, fear and paralysis. I knew I couldn’t let myself dissolve into a puddle because I had bills to pay and people counting on me. The only way I could maintain the hustle was to spend 70% of my energy being somewhere else at any given time.

The effects of this were pronounced:

• Multiple illnesses, hospitalization, strange pains, limited mobility
• Constant fatigue and exhaustion, needing more and more caffeine to function
• Surface level relationships, often feeling unseen and misunderstood, losing myself in every new person, not being able to consistently show up for loved ones
• Internal gridlock, the inability to take action on what meant the most to me, and eventually to even know what I wanted

As I’m coming back into my body, slowly, intentionally, I can sometimes pick up on this rich, vibrant center in me. As I tune into my senses, listen with love for the sound of leaves rustling, witness the exquisite beauty of sunrise in fall and truly stop to savor homemade pumpkin butter, it’s like there’s this warm, shining light coming from my center. A line that runs from my crown down to my toes and just vibrates with the most loving light.

If you are just now coming to terms with your own ways of numbing and hiding from presence, I want to offer a few suggestions for ways to come back:

1. Set a timer for 5 minutes, close your eyes and focus on the sounds you hear around you. Stay with the vibration, the sensation of hearing for as long as you can, even sensing as vibrations disappear into stillness. For busy minds that want mantras, something straightforward like “I hear, I hear, I hear” may help you stay longer.
2. Check YouTube for free somatic exercises online. There’s such beautiful content and in as little as 10 or 15 minutes you can release emotions trapped inside your gorgeous body. I love adding a blanket, pillow and stuffie to make it especially cozy when I’m done (also useful if you need to have a good cry once you finish!)
3. Run your fingers down your cheeks, like you’re stroking the face of a newborn. Gently, lovingly, with the sole intention (soul intention, anyone?) to be love. To share and feel and receive love. Caress your own skin and let yourself feel cared for.

My love to you.