A Spine Tingling Tale

At some point along the way, I lost my wings. It’s such a clear knowing in me, but I’ve no reference point, no specific past life experience to point to. Just pain where my wings would be…

I found out I had scoliosis in middle school, so we’ll say age 11. I remember the vague notion that chiropractors were quacks (I have been consistently in chiropractic care for 3 years now and would recommend it to anyone) and the idea of wearing a back brace, and not much else. No treatment plan, and no real prognosis on what would happen if nothing was done. Just a vague dis-ease about my bodily integrity and an offhand comment by the doctor about how it was probably just due to my last growth spurt. Case closed.

In my early 20s, stressed, overwhelmed and in despair I began to experience mobility issues. Painful twinges in my back, neck and shoulders or I’d just wake up and not be able to turn my head side to side without excruciating pain. I’d have back spasms and chronic pain. I wasn’t sure what to do about it, and I think my early experience imprinted on me that there was nothing TO be done. So I never sought care, never even told a primary doctor unless it was keeping me from work because I just assumed they’d stick me on drugs for it.

At this point, age 38, I’m deep into back care (chiropractic, consistent mobility exercise) and deeply into my spiritual awakening. Now, my back burns. Like there is a small fire right beneath my neck, like one of the discs there is glowing hot. Sometimes when the pain is really intense it feels more like touching dry ice, such an intense cold burning pain.

I’m also healing my nervous system. Walking my nervous system through what it feels like to rely on safety as a constant, to expect good things, not pain, and to read the intense energy inside as symptoms of old issues, not predictions of what’s to come. It’s terrifying. I’ll sit and meditate, opening myself up to really observing the pain inside and waves of grief and abject fear will come rolling over me. And like a lighthouse in a storm I just have to keep connecting to God, connecting to Truth, that love is really all there is, and that just because those things happened, doesn’t mean they’ll happen again.

I’m torn between maxims to replace my old fear based dialogues. I started with, “The brighter I shine, the better it gets.” Then I added, “My authenticity is my freedom” with a side dish of “Freedom = money = love.” And I hold onto them as the waves crash.

I did this same meditative exercise last night and could actually feel the muscles in my back relax and my shoulders rest, could hear and feel my spine pop, crack and realign right where it hurts the most. I’m healing. It’s terrifying to hold onto because I’d be devastated if I was wrong, if God left me behind. But God never would. I leave myself behind when I hold onto beliefs that dissect rather than unify me with God and all beings.

I will heal because this world needs healing and the only place I know to start is inside. I will heal because my healing will positively ripple out to my loved ones, and their loved ones, and that’s more than I could have even hoped for. I will heal because I dream of it. Because I love the feeling of a healed body. It fills me with a joy, a giddiness, a freedom I’ve longed for. I will heal because I want to prove that we’re all capable of this. We all deserve healing. Love. Peace. Belonging. I feel compelled to live that truth. And then, once I’m on the other side, I’ll build a bridge for all of us.