Fear Beckons, but Spirit has Arrived

I find myself moving in ever deeper cycles of acceptance. Accept, release, become. Burrowing deeper into the infinite, within, this body, this life, these people, this planet. Ascension a mountain peak at the base of my pelvis, down, down I go.



Fear was my primary guide for decades. Blinding alleys of pain, running forever, outrunning the chill, the cold grip of knowing I was lost. Completely and utterly lost to myself. I had no god, no one who knew my real name. My real being. I lived life terrified.

I didn’t know how to pursue myself relentlessly. How to take risks on my personhood. The comfort was in conforming. The comfort was in being predictable in a society that loves a heuristic. A quick blurb. An identifiable archetype.

Fear is a different flavor these days. Beckons me differently. Threatens to destabilize this beautiful world I’ve built, these new knowings, these loves and longings of spirit. Wants me to produce something already so I can capitalize on this recently formed identity. Who am I when I’m not profitable?

Giving fear over to God is so new. I often still forget that my real work here is to forgive. To bring all of my inner beingness to a state of peace. Peace so that I can share peace, be peace in the world. Peace so that the love we are, the love this all is can shine truly and be a beacon to those who feel lost. Lost like I did.

I am still adjusting to doing what is best, healthiest for my spirit. To taking action contrary to everything I’ve known so that I can move forward, past these pitfalls of ego and self loathing. So that fear is no longer my ambassador, my face in this world. Writing when I feel like hiding, sleeping. Opening up spaces within when I want to contract, let shame and darkness claim my still whispering secrets.

But I am not here to be pretty. To be predictable. To be easy to like or to understand. I am here to shine light. I am here to follow truth. I am here to expand, and to know myself on new frontiers so that others may do the same. This plane of existence is a grand game, an experiment, and to stay stagnant when the opportunity to play, to learn is at hand. I just can’t anymore.

Fear romanced me into dark corners for decades of my life. It is hard to share this without some measure of sadness, but at the same time, if I am to forgive, if I am to be peace, I must also recognize that this was my path. Those decades forged deep gorges in me that I now fill with love and light and a knowing. A knowing that we are on the way to embracing our own divinity. A knowing that we are all we’ve ever needed, and we’re already here.