Time Freedom

I’ve wanted my autonomy my entire life. Which is not to say I haven’t also wanted approval, belonging, and other co-responsive relationships and states of being. But the ability to prioritize life for myself, and to decide what needed doing and in what order meant a lot to me. I would think it means a lot to all of us.

I’ve had various bouts of time freedom, for better or worse over the last five years. In some cases, it was relocation and joblessness, in one case, it was me taking an extended break from paid work to recover from being chronically unwell, overworked and burnt out. With depression and bed rot nipping at my heels, I just took a break.

None of those breaks felt particularly restful, though I can see now that elements restorative elements were baked into each of them. But I was so damn worried about not having purpose in the world, not earning money to feed, clothe and shelter myself and then what everyone else was going to think about my meandering journey through the world, I couldn’t really rest. I was never at rest. Even when not moving, not working, internally I was flailing around, lost.

It's been a year since I started a nervous system regulation course that has changed my life, and shortly before that, I was able to land a job that gave me significant time freedom, working from home. These co-occurring conditions really allowed things to shift for me. On the one hand, I was being immersed in practices that were challenging my perfectionism, analysis paralysis, constant states of anxiety and overpreparation (honestly I should just call it what it is…OCD), and on the other, I was being paid very well to do work I knew how to do.

It’s been more recently that I’ve been able to really trust that this is real. That I’m allowed to lean into having a job that pays well, that allows me to make my own schedule, and that even allows me to begin my own business on the side. That I’m allowed to take pride in joy in that, and on top of it, use my free time to support my family and myself as I see fit. The autonomy I’ve been searching for since I was little.

And now that I’m affirming for myself that I can, and in fact do, have nice things, I’m really leaning into it. Making pumpkin butter from scratch because I crave it and I want to know what it tastes like when its fresh. Roasting squash seeds because when they are crunchy and spicy and salty it’s like heaven in a handful. Taking time to nap, to beautify my home, to keep up with my plants and even play with my pets.

It would be easy for me to lapse into feeling that this is self-indulgent, and I should be ashamed because so many people would kill to have this level of flexibility and freedom. But instead, I’d really love to make something of this time. I’d love to use it to give back. And despite all my internal instincts for control, predictability and doing what other people expect, I’d love to nourish myself and my loved ones so significantly, that the benefits of this change of life ripple out. I’m tired of living in states of scarcity, believing that’s all I’ve ever have to look forward to, and then making that true even when I have the opportunity to do something different.

I am ready to be the healthy, nourished person my community can rely on, who gives back because her cup is overflowing and there’s nothing else I’d rather do. So here’s to everything I have, to everything I’m building in myself, and to all that I’ll be able to pour into this world as a result. I love you.